Being: My 13th Lifeday

March 9, 1999 was the day everything in my world changed.  That would always be the line of demarcation.  That was when dates in my life shifted to b.c., but my b.c. stood for "before cancer".

Dan and I have often gone away or out for dinner to celebrate.  Yes, celebrate.  I know.  I've seen the various emotions and shock on the faces when I said we were celebrating my cancer anniversary.  Celebrating?  A cancer anniversary?  For anyone who has battled cancer or loved someone who has, you know and understand the date of the diagnosis also becomes the date from which everything is measured.  Survival rates are determined in years....2 years....5 years....10 years.

We all have birthdays.  I also have a lifeday.  Today is my 13th.  I am lucky on so very many levels.  I know that and never take it for granted.  Recently, I happened upon survival statistics for my stage of breast cancer.  Yes.  I am lucky and I quickly closed the link with the chart on my computer screen.  Some things are better left in the past knowing you chose the best line of defense all those years ago.

I think of everything I have done, seen, experienced, and lived over the last thirteen years.....a veritable lifetime...and realize I am truly blessed.  I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

          I got engaged at the stroke of midnight on the millennium
          I got married
          I saw both of my stepdaughters graduate from college
          I saw one stepdaughter get married and the other engaged
          I helped welcome the first grandchild into the family
          I have watched Dan win awards for his art
          I have won awards for a store I loved dearly
          I have made new friends
          I have visited magical places
          I have discovered things I never knew I could do
          I have held Dan's hand more times than I can count

I have also lost loved ones.  My Dad, my Gram, family, friends, and pets.  It has been uniquely difficult when the loss has been that of friends my age who were also battling cancer.  I wonder why them and not me which, subsequently, results in a weight I carry.  It leads me to believe I should do something big or great to justify my still being, but more often leads to an inability to do anything for fear it will not be good enough or worthy of what I have been granted.  But that is an entirely different issue that exists in my head.

This is a day I share with Dan.  He was the one who spent hours in the hospital waiting rooms, sat with me through every chemo infusion, shaved my head when most of my hair had fallen out, laughed with me about "free calories" when I would get sick, and made it clear very early on it was not about aesthetics.  Needless to say, when the man you love looks at you and says it doesn't matter if you have one breast or no breasts he just doesn't want you to die....it makes all the hard decisions remarkably easy.
 

Life's not about the destination, but rather the journey.  Rand McNally doesn't have a road map for this one and that's why I'm very open in talking about my illness.  Cancer is scary and the not knowing makes it worse.  If there's anything I can say or do that alleviates even a little anxiety or uncertainty for someone it's worth it.

To all the women battling breast cancer, please always know you are not alone....there are legions of us cheering you on.  To everyone who lost their battle, you are remembered and loved.  To the doctors and health care professionals who have dedicated their lives to keeping us alive, you rock.  To my family and friends I send big hugs, great thanks, and more love than you will ever know.  You make life worth living.